Ten Times I Knew I Loved You
by CandC1988
Summary: TJ writes a letter to his wife.


Disclaimer: I do not own Recess or any of its characters.

Ten Times I Knew I Loved You

_Dear Spinelli,_

_One time you asked me how I could possibly love you. In response, I answered, how could I not? Yet, now I've decided to give you a better answer. I came up with ten times where I knew I just had to love you._

_1) When we were in kindergarten and we first met. I was crying because some mean old first grader (later we found out it was Lawson) had stuffed sand down my pants. You then decided to go find the first grader and give him a black eye. Lawson left us alone for the rest of the year, but that was also how we started the ongoing war with Lawson. And that's always when we first became friends._

_2) Entering second grade, you absolutely refused to sit in alphabetical order because you wanted to sit next to me. I remember you kicking the teacher, screaming, threatening to glue yourself to the seat so you didn't have to move. Finally, you got sent to Principal Prickley's office and he decided to let you sit by me because he didn't want you making a big deal the entire year. I don't think he realized that we were only in the second grade and you probably would have forgotten about the whole thing in a week._

_3) The experiment that we had to undergo in the fourth grade. As I acted disgusted after that kiss, laughing with the boys about girls and cooties, I couldn't help but sneak glances at you every once in a while. I knew, or at least I hoped, that you weren't as disgusted as you sounded either. I also happened to think I saw you sneaking a couple of glances my way. I still remember that as my first kiss with my one true love._

_4) In sixth grade, when we graduated from Third Street School and you tried to pretend you weren't upset. With Gretchen going to a genius-based middle school, Gus moving during the summer to Maine, Vince going to a basketball prep school, and Mikey attending school in Europe, the group was falling apart. And the person who tried to be a rock in the midst of all of this? You, Ashley Spinelli, were trying to be tough enough for all of us, but I could see, we all could see, the hurt and devastation in your eyes._

_5) Eighth grade ... you broke up with Hustler Kid because he tried to get you to stop being friends with me. I don't think you ever understood, no matter how often I tried to explain it to you, that he was scared that our friendship would ruin your relationship. Which, in fact, in an ironic sort of way, it did. Within days of that incident, you also threatened to beat up Ashley A. when she made a fool out of me when I asked her out._

_6)In tenth grade year when you became jealous of Swinger Girl and I's relationship. You tried to pretend you weren't and just shut me out for days. You wouldn't answer my calls, my text messages, or talk to me in school. Those were the worst few days of my life up to that point in time. Finally, you came over to my house and confessed your feelings for me. The moment you leaned in and kissed me ... then you jumped back and muttered about how sorry you were. The next day I had to break up with Swinger Girl and you and I started our new relationship._

_7) Graduation night when I found you crying slumped down by the lockers. That is one of the few times I have ever seen you cry. You looked so sad, lonely, and helpless. You were afraid of the changes that were going to follow after graduation. You told me that you were scared that I was going to find a new girl to replace you that was way prettier than you were. I don't know to this day how you could ever get in your head the idea that anyone is prettier than you. You are definitely the prettiest girl in the world to me, then and now._

_8) The day of our marriage brought a whole new side to our relationship. You looked at me with love, love that seemed unrestrained. I think up until you and I had both said, "I do" you were afraid I was going to leave you. You always had that fear of driving people away. It took me so long to convince you that I was in for the long haul. And I am glad I was. You looked absolutely gorgeous in your wedding dress, trying not to be nervous and trip as you walked down the aisle. Looking at me with love filling your eyes. That was also the first night that our physical relationship started something new. That was the first day of the rest of our lives._

_9) When our little baby girl was born. I didn't think it was possible for me to love something or someone as much as I loved you, but then Isabella Jayne came into the world. The life that we had created together was so beautiful and pure. I looked at her then, and today, as a symbol of our great relationship. The looks of utter adoration that passed between us the day of her birth were totally understandable and did not seem to stop for years afterwards as we raised our daughter._

_10) Four months ago when you told me you were diagnosed with a terminally ill disease. I didn't know what to say. Or how to react. You seemed so determined, so strong in dealing with all of this. It took me so long to figure out that it was all for me. You smiled, you laughed, you made the best of it ... all to help protect me. Your love for me and Isabella exceeded everything at that point in time._

_Of course, there are many more times in my life when I realized that there is no way I could possibly love someone more than you. These, however, are the first few that come to my mind. You are now laying here, hooked up to IVs and machines, getting ready to leave this earth. The doctors only give you a few more days to live, but they don't know as I do that you will stay alive as long as you want._

_Gretchen is trying her best to save your life. She seems to be spending hours and hours on end trying to find a treatment that would work for you. She's not the only one who is here, however. Gus came back from the Army on leave to come, Mikey came back from Hollywood, Vince even came back from his high school basketball team that he coaches to be here with you and with me in this tough time._

_Isabella also came back from college. She's so worried about you and it shows everyday on her face. I don't think she wants to lose her mom before she gets to do all those fun daughter-mother things. Such as her engagement, her wedding, her first kid, and her family. She's also worried about me. She's afraid that I don't sleep enough. That I spend too much time waiting, hoping that you won't leave me. I think she's scared of losing two parents in one. I haven't yet got her to realize that the only way I will leave her is through my death._

_I love you Ashley Spinelli and am not ready for you to leave me. I, however, do know that I want, I need, you to be relieved of this pain, this stress, this agony that you have been in the past few months. I need you to be free again. And I know ... I know the only way for that to happen is for you to pass away and go to heaven. _

_So, this is my final letter to you. Telling you how much I love you, how much I'll miss you, and definitely how much you mean to me. May God be with you._

_Loving you forever and always,_

_TJ Detweiler_


End file.
